I’m getting my first tattoo next Sunday.
In an effort to fill in the i-don’t-know-what-to-write-about-but-i-know-i’m-not-done-with-this gap during one of my journal sessions last week, I started doodling.
Maybe it was a mixture of the fact that I’d been sitting with the gnawing urge to get a tattoo recently. Maybe it was how I’d learned the night before that a friend — who I never suspected — had one (which turned on the “oh if she has one, I can totally have one too” part of my brain). Or maybe it was that I’d finally found something that spoke to my soul.
Not sure. But I knew instantly.
Left wrist.
Thumb side.
Pointing down, aka right-side-up when I look at it.
About an inch long by .5 of an inch wide.
By the next morning, I had emailed 5 shops to see when their next opening was.
Two days later, I had an appointment booked.
What I’ve come to realize through this example and others — of varying levels of big vs small decisions — is that you always know what you want even when you say things like:
1. “I don’t know what I want.”
2. “I don’t care what we do.”
3. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
4. “You pick, I’m open to anything.”
Sometimes it happens instantaneously. Like getting hit square-on in the face by a bus — there’s no way to ignore it.
Other times, it happens after you do something else. Like driving twenty minutes to the Cheesecake Factory, only to realize that what you actually wanted was your mom’s hibachi. But you’re already there so you might as well get something. So you do. All the while, feeling slightly disappointed shoveling in bite after bite. And now you’re full of regret and chocolate cheesecake, with no room left for hibachi.
And then sometimes, it takes days, weeks, months, or even years to figure it out. This one is usually a mix of the first two. It’s slow. It allows a bit (or a lot) of life to fill in the crevices. It allows your mind to consciously forget about the choice. It allows you fresh eyes and a clear head when the time comes — both prompted and unprompted — to make a decision.
Maybe more time is needed between when you ask yourself what you want and acting on it.
Maybe you need to learn to read your body better.
Maybe you need to ask yourself better questions.
Maybe you need to stick with your first instinct — usually not the first thing that leaves your mouth.
Maybe you need to stop asking others what they think or what they would do. It’s not about them.
Maybe you need to not assess all of your options for every single thing — that’s too damn overwhelming. It only leads to impulsive, rash choices in an effort to get rid of the stress of making a choice.
Not sure which of these will help you in the long run.
What I am sure of is that your gut always knows.
When it speaks next time, give it a listen. See how it goes. See how you feel.
If you don’t feel compelled in any which way, give it some time and space.
Eventually, you’ll know.