“You think too much.” — My grandma (after reading my most recent piece)
She’s right.
Call it growing up in a society where kids are more medicated and stressed than ever before.
Or call it a guttural feeling that the “traditional route” isn’t for me, but I don’t know what is. So I run myself in circles trying to find an answer to a question that doesn’t necessarily need an answer. Or at least doesn’t need one by 18 or 21 or 25.
Doesn’t matter what you call it.
It’s a black cloud. It’s a deep, dark hole. It’s anxiety. It’s stress. It’s a perceived threat.
It’s all-consuming.
It’s a friend.
Not a best friend. More like the kind of friend your parents make you hang out with because it’s the nice thing to do and you don’t want to be mean, so you do. But you don’t like them. Not at all. But you don’t want to disappoint your parents, so you keep asking them over. Again and again. And you think about how great it would be to not have them drag you down, but you don’t know how to do it, so you keep the cycle going.
That’s where I am with my current anxiety.
I don’t know how to turn it off — to cordially say “f off, you’re not welcome here anymore.”
For the first time in my time as a fully-functioning adult, I don’t have a major stressor. I have great financial stability. I have a community (in and out of CLT). I have family near. I have good mental and physical health. I have a routine. I have a home. I have an answer (for the time being that satisfies me) of what I do for a living.
To be honest, it’s weird.
Granted, I’m only a week in, but still. I spent most of the last week up in New England with my high school best friend eating lobster rolls and playing dominoes, but would at times find my mind starting to wander. I was searching for something to worry about. Sometimes it would be about A. What was she doing? What’s she listening to? When would I see her? Would I ever see her again? Other times it would be about work projects. When should I work on them? Am I qualified to do this job?
My conclusion is just that it’ll take some getting used to.
Time to adjust to no longer feeling anxious about paying bills or enjoying the activities I want to enjoy.
Time to stop worrying about finding a partner everywhere I go.
Time to be present-focused and not past-reviewing.
Time to be proud of how hard I’ve worked and acknowledge what I’m capable of.
Time to sit with the fact that I don’t have constantly be thinking — my mind can be blank, silent.
— JTM